The Dowsing Machine
by Lateral Ganon
Summary: All it was supposed to be was a glorified compass: A means to locate an end. But some people don't want to be found: Criminals thinking themselves above the rules. Based on the Barney-Spammer attacks. Rated for blood and character death. Please R&R.


Finally! Readers who managed to catch one version of the Spammer warning may have been anticipating this fic against the Barney Bunch. I've finally finished it... well... it may get an epilogue.

This Fic focuses on the three Barneys that I found the most annoying. Namely, Soviet, Herr, and of course Lateral for stealing my identity. All of them meet suitably disgusting ends, especially Herr who gets a lot of humiliation as well.

Dedicated to all the authors who worked together to kick them off the site.

**Warning**: Rated for gore and swearing. Particularly from the spammers. Also, Pirates of the Caribbean get's reffered to as being hit by the assault.

**Disclaimer:** I own all the OCs here, with the exceptions of those mentioned in newspaper headlines, the Pirates of the Caribbean section, And naturally the Barneys in the first place.

_Lateral Ganon._

**# # # Story Notes # # #**

_Italics are thoughts/telepathy. If it's used anywhere... I can't remember._

_'Italics in quote marks are the Barney's computer.'_

Moxis is a Lucario. It's not very clear at first.  
Ganon and Larkspur both look seventeen.

Times are the twenty-four hour clock - 00:00 is midnight, 13:00 is 1 PM, etc.

* * *

**The Dowsing Machine:  
**Underground: Level 20 - 00:08

The night-shift as always the most boring time to be working, even if it was for the most advanced company in the Pokemon world. Most of the guards had already gone to sleep, but Moxis was still patrolling the corridors diligently. He lived by his motto of Intentio ut Retineo (Attention to Detail), and would continue until the next batch of officers relieved him. Currently, nothing seemed out of place, but a structure of this size still would still take the rest of his eight hour shift. He yawned absently, before scolding himself.

"Pay attention… pay attention." He muttered to himself. He wandered over to a coffee machine, and collected the steaming cup, holding it just under his chin. He leant against the wall, and growled to himself. He didn't resent signing up with the military section of his team, considering the certain… benefits that came with it. His paw strayed down to the elemental laser strapped onto the end of his sash by his hip, making sure it was still there. Judging by the clear colour that suffused through the casing, it was still in neutral. The last thing he wanted would be for it to accidentally go off and burn a hole through his foot. He growled again angrily, and took a long draught from it, expecting a long night. He drained the tiny cup in seconds, and threw it over his shoulder towards a bin, missing by several metres. He felt its aura arch through the air, before whipping around and firing off the laser. A blue colour flushed through the plastic, and a shard of ice hit the cup dead on, freezing it solid and the rest of the way to the bin. He smirked at his marksmanship.

"Never could say I had a thing for iced-tea." He said to himself as the block clattered in the bottom of the bin. His smirk faded as the empty silence crept back in on the situation, quiet as the grave. He returned his gun to his sash, flicking the switch back to its crystal neutral, and continued his rounds.

About a hundred metres down the tunnel, his ears pricked up as he heard a low rumbling coming up from ahead. He moved across to one wall, and pressed his muzzle against a small viewing port embedded in the side. Through it, he could see the cave wall of the crevasse the structure was built in, dark granite looming over, slumbering aloof of mortal affairs. Between the two, a large turbine similar to ones found on human passenger jets was whirring. A generator, one of about five-hundred in various other positions around the structure, built to make use of thermal currents that came up from a magma stream in a cave system underneath their own. However unless they were being used to generate power, the rotors were locked. He looked across from his window at the lab doorway opposite, and noticed a light flickering inside. Someone was working this late? He checked the name on the door, and smiled as he read who it belonged to. Probably the closest person he could call a trainer. He pushed open the door.

* * *

A silver haired boy was glowering at a computer screen, kneading his forehead with his knuckles. He rested his elbows on the desk, and checked the schematics on the monitor again. He heard the door shut as someone entered, and he pried himself from the chair, stretching.

"Hullo Moxis…" He said stifling a yawn, before turning his head and yawning loudly. Moxis frowned.

"You've been working all night on that haven't you." He said, gesturing to a machine behind him. The boy turned around and glared at the contraption. It resembled a large gyroscope, with wires running off various joints, and the bottom half enclosed in a tapered steel column. A small black ball was suspended in the centre, held against gravity. Moxis recognised the pendant, and nodded appreciatively.

"Is it working yet?" He asked. The boy fumed.

"I'm fed up of guys asking me that." He said.

* * *

'_Inter-dimensional device detected.'_ A tinny speaker buzzed out from a control panel in front of him. The boy smirked devilishly, and pulled up an intercom microphone from the board. It clicked on with a low hiss.

"We've got one. Give him hell. Repeatedly."

* * *

Moxis folded his arms and looked over at the desk. He picked up two brass rods bent in the middle.

"Ganon, weren't these supposed to be in it?" He asked, "It's a Dowsing Machine, so it stands to reason it needs Dowsing Rods."

Ganon hummed and looked over at the rods in Moxis's hands. They were swinging absently, but never crossing. He frowned.

"Looks like I'm not going to get this solved to-" The rods crossed suddenly, clanging loudly, before clanging against each other again. Moxis whimpered and put them down quickly, but Ganon dashed over and started typing on the computer.

"If those are crossing… then… if I've got the interface right…" He twisted in his chair to something resembling a large stone trackball, and pressed his hands over it. Moxis watched as the rings of the main machine unlocked, and started twisting around the pendant in a similar way to Ganon's hand movements. He gaped between them.

"I know you've told me already, but what does that do?"

"As long as I concentrate, it can find anything and anyone in any time in anywhere in any dimen-"

"DREW PICKLES SCREWS YOU ALL AND BAKES POOPILICIOUS PIES! TRY ONE TODAY!" Something shouted from behind them both, and slamming against the back of Ganon's head. His face crashed against the trackball, and broke his nose on the marble surface. The orb cracked, as did several of the rings surrounding the pendant. The piece of jewellery fell out of the field, and crashed into the bottom of the machine. Luckily, the ornament was nigh-on indestructible.

Ganon spun around clutching the bloodied remnant of his nose, scowling at the empty room behind him. A ghostly snickering was fading out irritatingly. Moxis grunted.

"Now what the hell was that?" He asked. Ganon frowned, and a blue light covered him. Moxis barely batted an eyelid as Ganon transformed into a Latios. Ganon glared at him.

"A pain in the neck." He growled, smoothing over the area of his nose before transforming back to make it whole again, "Stupid ghost…"

Moxis snorted and looked back at the machine. Pieces were hanging off it and sparking nastily.

"That looks pretty terminal." He said, pointing at one of the broken arches. Ganon looked up at the shattered device, and screeched harshly like a Latios scorned.

* * *

Day Two of the Spammer Assault - 08:48  
"Hup… hup… lift!" called out the lead Machop leading the cleanup effort. Two other Machops heaved a fourth one up into the belly of Ganon's mangled machine, and started sifting through the pieces. A greying Glaceon shook her head angrily as she listened to the clattering noise they made as they started taking pieces out for repair. She turned around, and wandered over to where Ganon was sitting, glaring maliciously at the work in progress. Neither of them spoke, simply watching each other irritably.

"Look out below!" The Machop shouted out, accompanied by a large strip of metal being hurled out of the centre. It crashed against the floor harshly, and they both looked over at.

"Why are you so damned clumsy boy?" She growled at him. He ground his teeth.

"It wasn't my fault. Something punched me in the back on the head." He argued. The Glaceon furrowed her brow, and snorted derisively.

"Never your own fault is it."

"Hey!"

"Mel, it's true. I saw it. Something smashed his head forwards and broke his nose on the cursor." Moxis said as he wandered with the pendant. By rights, it was his anyway, he'd just lent it. Melissa pondered over the piece for a second, before snorting again.

"Then what punched you?" She asked him.

"I don't-"

"IT'S DREW PICKLES EVERYBODY! BEND OVER NOW TO SAVE TIME!" The same voice shouted again. The Machop in the machine screamed as something picked it up and hurled it out of the machine. Melissa winced as she watched it collide with the opposite wall, and slide down slowly.

"Okay. Now I believe you." She said as the other Machops pulled their unconscious companion away from the room. The barest hint of a smile twitched at the side of Ganon's mouth.

"Well I told you didn't I. You should believe me more often, Mel." He said. Her fur stood on end, and she blasted Ganon's legs with ice, freezing them solid.

"It's Melissa to you." She growled threateningly. He punched at the ice encasing his legs, and they quickly gave way. He flexed them experimentally.

"Well that's the pain in the neck for you." He told her. She turned around, and walked over towards the doorway.

"I think I've heard of this before. Come with me you two." She said. Moxis pointed at himself.

"Me as well?"

"Yes. Knowing that lump, he'll forget." She said leading out of the room. Ganon growled, and they both followed after her. They entered an elevator a few metres away, and they felt it descend. After only a matter of seconds, the doors opened again, revealing an almost identical corridor. A large number forty-six was plastered onto the wall opposite the door in a lighter metal than the surrounding wall. She led over to another doorway, and they entered a room marked 'Cold Storage'. It was slightly smaller than the previous lab. Large tubes with creatures suspended in them lined the walls, and frost was biting at some of the edges of the containers. Ganon shivered.

"Come on Melissa! I'm a dragon! Why do we always have to go into freezing rooms?" He asked in annoyance. She looked over her shoulder at the shivering boy.

"Because it needs to be cold to preserve them."

"Well why didn't you tell me to bring a lab-coat? At least that would have been warmer." He countered. She looked away from him, and smirked.

"Because you're a dragon." She said, pushing her paw against a pad by the door at the other end of the room. The door opened for her, and they all stepped inside. Ganon growled as the temperature dropped again as they entered a smaller but considerably more secure room with only about twelve tubes. One for every clone made about forty years ago, and a few spares. Most were marked with a roman numeral.

"You're doing this on purpose."

"Of course. I'm your boss." She countered, passing by a tube with a Gallade held in suspension. Moxis gaped at the creature.

"Jeez. It looks just like Kotor did years ago." He mumbled. Melissa sniggered.

"Well it was his clone…" She answered. Moxis looked at the VII underneath it for a few seconds, before following along. They walked past an emaciated Machoke, VIII, a highly mutated and brutal looking Venomoth, IX, and an empty tube. Melissa tutted.

"Still need to get X back."

Ganon glared at the number plate on the tube, and grimaced. Melissa coughed for attention as she approached the last two tubes. One of them had a Kecleon held in the device, whilst the other seemed to be the focus of the Glaceon's attention. A black Pikachu with various cybernetic additions, namely both eyes, and its left leg with the wiring extending up to its chest. One of its ears was missing, although there was still a stump where it should have been. The name plaque had been replaced with a computer monitor. Ganon leant in closer to the tube.

"What under earth is it?" He asked, disgusted astonishment obvious in his voice. Melissa checked the control panel before answering.

"This is a C3POPIKACHU. It used to be a human until it was captured by a group of elite rangers. They overpowered it, but something triggered a mutagenic effect and turned it into this." She said, "Unfortunately, we can't kill it so-"

"Hold on. That thing's alive?! In formaldehyde?!" Moxis swore. Melissa nodded, having a softer spot for her old crush's son than for a dragon that infuriated her constantly. She held a paw over a switch on the panel.

"It's still alive, it just can't do anything." She said, pressing the switch. A small speaker started babbling incoherently from the panel, but the most prominent and repeated words were Drew, Pies, Poop, and Pickles, among various other expletives. Ganon's eyebrows disappeared into his hair.

"It's the same stuff." He whispered. Melissa shook her head.

"This room is perfectly sealed. This thing can't broadcast outside of the speaker. There's another one loose."

* * *

A youth with black hair and a long pointed nose smirked devilishly as he watched a bank of screens in front of him. He clapped his hands girlishly with his elbows tucked in to his waist, and spun around to walk over to another console.

"Oh god those idiots don't know what they've got coming." He said, rubbing his hands together gleefully. He looked up at a cage containing a brown haired man with a small waxed quiff and black glasses was sat down, a glazed look over his face. The boy smirked at his captive, and looked back over at the scene of a ship he was looking at on one of the screens. He pointed at it.

"Pickles. Go get them." He said. The man nodded dully, and stood up, fading out of existence.

* * *

The Pirates of the Caribbean Dimension  
"Are you sure we're sailing the right course Cap'n?" A balding pirate asked. A younger man turned around, dressed in a fancier red coat, and coarse stubble resting on his chin. Ruggedly handsome he was heard to be called. He swaggered up to the pirate in question.

"My matey. I'm sure as sure that this course is as right as my left is not and that that right is right is sure. You got me, me little scallywag?" He said. The pirate looked confused, before nodding absently.

"Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight…"

"Right it is." The captain said, taking a swig from a bottle of rum he'd tied to his belt. He jumped over to one gunwale, and swung on the lower ropes of the riggings, taking in the sights of the open ocean. He breathed the cold ocean spray that his ship, the black pearl was kicking up, and sighed contentedly. A nice life of pillaging and debauchery came naturally to him.

"Captain Sparrow! It's the Kraken!" The spotter in the crows nest called down, pointing fearfully over the opposite side to the captain. He looked over, and snorted.

"That's not the Kraken. There's only one tentacle, and it's too- ARRRRGGGGH!"

The youth fell into hysterics as he saw the terrible state his slave had left the crew of the Black Pearl in, pounding on the console. They wouldn't be able to sit down straight for months. He hoped. His slave teleported back into its cage, and sat down quietly in the corner.

* * *

Day Three of the Spammer Assault - 06:52  
Melissa watched in boredom as Ganon started piecing together his machine again. She had enough sense not to argue, but still…

"Do you have to take so long?!" She yelled at him. Maybe not that much patience though. He looked up from the component he was patching back together, and frowned.

"Just a minute." He called over, snapping two pieces of the machine back together, and pushing the plate back into place over the top. He wandered back over to the computer, and placed his hands over the trackball. He looked between Moxis and Melissa, before activating the machine again. A green light flashed on, and he smiled.

"Anyone, anywhere, anywhen… anyhow. Time to find this wrench."

The orbitals rolled in their sockets.

* * *

The youth looked up as a red alarm siren started wailing overhead. He swore violently, and shouted down at two attendants he had chained to the lower workstation. Both were blonde, although one was little more than a toddler.

"You two! Trace and drag!" He demanded of them. They resentfully started typing furiously on the controls.

* * *

Ganon felt his concentration slipping as he felt something tugging at his consciousness. The machine rumbled, and cracked loudly down one side, startling him back into concentration. Again, his concentration wavered, although this time considerably more forcefully.

"Moxis." He called through his ministrations, "What does it say on the screen?"

Moxis looked at the screen, and made an attempt at reading the icons on it.

"Um… what does a red circle mean?" He asked. Ganon swore, and moved his hands faster.

"You can get bent." He muttered angrily, "There's no way you're taking me anywhere."

* * *

"Sir, he's fighting back." The woman called up as the room started rumbling ominously. The youth growled in frustration, and slapped the woman across the face. The toddler cried out in anger, but received a similar slap for her troubles.

"Increase the damn power then you stupid wenches!" He shouted at them. They complied immediately.

* * *

Ganon growled ferally as he sensed the tugging sensation again.

"There's another two concentric circles." Moxis said. Ganon fumed and pressed his nails into the marble, rolling the orbitals even faster. If it was tug-of-war they wanted, they were going to be severely disappointed.

* * *

"Sir. He's dragging us now. Hard. We've already jumped twelve gates." She said. The youth scowled, and slapped them both again.

"Twelve gates?! You crazy bitch! Terminate the connection before we get pulled any farther." He shouted. She typed in a final command, and the siren stopped, as did the rumbling. The youth wiped his brow, and jumped when he realised he'd been sweating profusely. Nothing made him sweat like that; the cold sweat of fear.

"Damnit." He growled. He moved back to his own area, and read a message on the screen, swearing violently again.

'_Location Traced._'

He grabbed his coffee from the table, and hurled it at the woman. She screamed as the boiling liquid scalded her horrifically, and he leant forwards on the dividing rail.

"Next time, try you stupid cow." He said, "No one gets the better of the great Barneys. Take us back into our position over the Caribbean." He demanded, rocking on the hand-rail. Outside, a pair of boosters fired at the back of the large black craft (A/N: It looks like the Slitheen ship from Dr. Who. It's really hard to describe), and it twisted around in mid-air. A green film expanded ahead of the ships prow, and it slowly passed through, disappearing through the portal.

* * *

Ganon felt his fingertips burn as the Barney-craft broke the link with the machine. He slammed a fist on the desk, causing Melissa to jump.

"Damn! So close! I was this far…" He held his finger and thumb a millimetre apart, "From pulling it down here."

Moxis looked at the readout on the screen. There was now a green line highlighting a series of digits, and a revolving 3D model of some kind of vehicle.

"If this is what you'd have dragged down, it's a good job you didn't." Moxis said, tapping the screen to make sure it was real. Ganon looked up, and stared at the object on the screen. It would probably have hurt a lot for something that big to land on them. His sights shifted to the value highlighted in green, and he smiled. It was changing rapidly, just as it had been designed to. He tapped a button, and it stopped. He leant back on the chair smugly.

"And locked."

* * *

Barney was hurled forwards as his ship abruptly stopped. He jumped up quickly, and dusted himself off, before streaming insults at the two females again.

"What the hell did you half-wits do now?!" He shouted at them. He was scared, but it wouldn't help matters to let it show. The older girl tapped at the keyboards helplessly.

"We're trapped in place. He knows we're here, and we're locked in some kind of… grippy thing…"

"It's a tractor beam mom." The toddler said angrily, pushing back her two ponytails. The mother nodded.

"What Angelica said." She replied. Barney sighed, and paced through the room. He stopped in the middle, and looked at the ceiling.

"Computer. You're not a retard like those bastards, so tell me what's going on."

'_The device capable of detecting the crafts presence was mobilised. The other Barney's attempt to sabotage the machine only provoked a direct attack. The machine itself is powered by a force beyond my capacity to neutralise.'_

"Damn it! Show me it!"

'_Insufficient data.'_ The voice countered. _'Only the plane of existence has been traced. Host-world is PMN0467.'_

Barney raised an eyebrow questioningly.

"Since when has a Pokemon world had sufficient technology to find me?"

'_I am obliged to point out that the neutralisation of C3POPIKACHU was performed by inhabitants of the same universe.'_ The voice told him. Barney stroked his chin thoughtfully.

"So… these freaks have still got him… Right. We're going down there."

'_How. This craft is locked in place. We're just spinning our wheels here.'_ Barney's ever-present scowl deepened to a look of utter contempt.

"Computer. It would be very easy for me to get a coffee, and pour it into your hard-drive. So unless you want to be totally screwed over, don't backchat." He answered angrily. The computer stayed silent. He pushed a hand through his hair, and wandered through a doorway at the back end of the room. The new room resembled a basketball court, and two other boys with similarly hooked noses walked over.

"What the hell did you do now?" One of the boys already in the room asked him coarsely. The first Barney shrugged off the comment, and glared at the other boy. The last boy was slightly smaller, but he had the unusual trait that his hair never stayed the same colour for more than a few minutes. Currently, it was yellow.

"Herr, you messed up big-time." The first Barney said. Herr grinned sheepishly.

"You made the order, bro, and I followed it. I went down to give that dimension hell." He giggled maliciously, "It worked too, Lateral. I bloodied his nose big time."

Technically, all the boys were called Barney, but they had their own names that they referred to each other by. Lateral had a flair for dimension jumping, Herr had freaky hair, whilst Soviet was simply brutal. Soviet grunted.

"What's the idiot done now?" He asked. Lateral glared at Herr nastily.

"He botched it up, and now the guy you attacked is after us. Go down and do this damn thing properly."

Herr nodded, and vanished.

* * *

11:25  
Melissa had sent Ganon up to the surface to get a newspaper. She'd reasoned that when the C3POPIKACHU had kicked up a fuss, it made headline news nationwide. As he entered the newsagents, he could tell she was right. Every headline had something to do with that… thing.

'MYSTERY CREATURE BOOTS UMBREON INTO A LAKE.'

'DROUGHTS CONTINUE AS GROUDON IS ENRAGED BY PHANTOMS.'

'15 KILLED IN POKEMON STAMPEDE. HANDLER ACCUSES GHOSTS.'

Ganon didn't need to read anymore. He just picked up one of each of them, and paid for them. The shop-keeper raised an eyebrow at him, but didn't question the boys peculiar spending. Ganon thanked him, before running back to the centre with them.

* * *

Melissa looked at the headlines of the pile of papers put in front of her, flipping through each one in turn. She looked at the photo of the Umbreon sailing through the air, and winced. She pawed the picture sadly. If she hadn't been born on a mountain of ice, she always fancied the idea of being an Umbreon.

"He's got to be sorted out. Now." She mumbled. Moxis wandered towards the reception desk, Ganon sat down in a seat at the opposite end of the table she was sat on. He reclined on it, looking at the small dog.

"Well I've locked them down, so they shouldn't-"

"DREW PICKLES IS COMING FOR A PLANET-WIDE FK-FEST!" Something yelled from above Ganon's head. Melissa yelped as something resembling a yellow Sableye crouched on top of Ganon's head, pulling out the hair. It was grinning horribly, tearing at the Eon's scalp, ignoring Ganon's screeches of protest. He reached up to try and swat it off, but his hands passed straight through it. Moxis noticed the immediate intruder, and dashed over, fist flaming, to bury it in the wall behind him. The Sableye dodged, and Moxis caught Ganon's hair, setting a small patch on fire.

"PICKLES AND DICKLES AND POOP AND PIE! YOU CAN'T HARM THIS SABLE-"

CLANG.

The Sableye was flung across the room as a pan collided with its side, landing in a tank of Magikarp. Ganon ran his hand back over his head, and looked at who was wielding the frying pan. It was a girl his own age, with long red hair down to her waist, and a plain pink dress. The pan was still resonating in her hand. She was smiling cheekily at Ganon.

"You need little old me to deal with a little old rat?" She said teasingly. Melissa coughed, and the group looked at the Sableye. It had clambered, spluttering, out of the tank, and was stood by it, catching its breath.

"You bastard!" Moxis growled, jumping towards it with lethal claws extended. The Sableye punched a metal amulet around its neck, and it vanished into a blue haze. Moxis floundered, and ended up digging his claws into the plaster wall behind. He growled as he tried to pull himself free, taking a chunk of the plaster with him as he did. Ganon was still smiling at the pan-wielding girl.

"Thanks Larkspur." He said. Her face slowly fell, and she turned the pan so the bottom of its shiny surface was pointing at Ganon.

"I think I might have been a little late." She said, bracing for Ganon's response to suddenly being almost bald.

* * *

Herr sniggered as he arrived back in the basketball room of the craft. Soviet scowled in disgust as he looked at the Sableye.

"That's degrading Herr. You make me feel sick just being near you." He said. The Pokemon grinned up at him, before morphing into a human form with yellow hair. He ran his hand through it to ruffle it up, and it took on a purple sheen. Lateral glowered at him, and punched him in the face. Soviet snorted in approvement.

"You idiot Herr! Now that bastard knows we're here." He yelled at him. Herr rubbed his nose better, and flicked his hair back extremely camply afterwards.

"So? Just send Pickles down. That pathetic thing probably needs exercise by now anyway."

"Yes. That retard can take them on no problem." Lateral mused. Soviet banged his fist down on a table, startling them.

"No. If this git knows where we are, what we are, and has enough technology to lock us down, they're going to drag us back. That pipsqueak isn't going to last long against something like that. We need to send something stronger."

Herr and Lateral looked at him, impressed.

"So there is a brain in there. It's just never been used before." Herr said. Soviet growled and punched him, burying him in a wall. Lateral blanched, and Soviet continued.

"So. We're going to have to fight too. Suit up runts." He ordered. The other two didn't argue, but no-one tended to argue with a boy nearly a foot taller than them.

* * *

Day Four of the Spammer Assault - 10:00  
"Left a bit… no right… Okay. Straight this way." A Machop was calling out, waving two table-tennis bats at another group of Machops carrying a large domed machine over a large grassy field behind the PokeCentre. An old Gallade was lounging on a sun bed on the patio, watching the proceedings. Age hadn't stifled Kotor's love of firearms, and a standard issue elemental laser was still hung from a belt on his hip.

"What was the point of bringing that up here?" He called over. Ganon looked around from next to the lead Machop.

"We're going fishing."

"Then use a rod like everyone else! Magnetising a fish is cheating." He answered, watching a Pidgey flying over the outcrop. He lazily drew out the blaster, and closed his eyes. With practiced ease, he flicked it to thunder, and shot straight at the bird. A yellow stream pulsed through the weapon, a beam shooting from the end and hitting the bird square in the chest. The avian fell from the air, unconscious at his feet. He opened his eyes when he heard the thwump in front of him. He tutted at the ease, and handed the bird over to a Chansey stood next to him. Melissa frowned at him as the Pokemon took the bird back inside to recover, but turned back to the matter in hand.

"There's definitely enough room here?" She asked him. Ganon ran up a feed from a palm-top he was using to control the Dowsing Machine, and checked through a few figures.

"Definitely."

"WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA!! STOP!" The Machop shouted, waving the paddles away from him frantically. The Machops were lurching heavily as something in the machine shifted the weight. They all dropped it immediately, several getting crushed toes. Ganon moved over to the machine, checking it was still intact. Apparently satisfied, he stepped back, and took the trackball from Moxis. The Lucario grunted before Ganon could start.

"Where do you intend to drag them to?" He asked. Ganon pointed over at an empty patch of grass two hundred metres away, and Moxis pulled the laser from the holster at his hip. He flicked a switch, and a malicious red spread through the plastic. Fire. He levelled the gun towards the apparition spot, waiting for it to come through. Ganon smirked, and started twisting the ball in its socket. The rings crackled with arcane energy, and began manipulating the pendant's field of energy again.

* * *

The ship lurched to one side as Ganon started reeling the ship in. Lateral was back in the cockpit, commanding over the two other Pickles family members. He slapped them both again.

"Resist his attacks! Don't let him drag us! We can't risk damage to the ship!" He shouted at them, grimacing as he saw the numbers flickering on the screen. 50 gates… 100 gates… 200 gates…

Outside the craft was a whirl of colour. The craft was being dragged through countless dimensions as the machine seized it like a nut in a vice.

'_Estimated time of arrival: 30 seconds.'_ The computer chimed in. Lateral frowned, and pulled himself back up to the main floor.

'_Guaranteed time of arrival: 20 seconds. Unable to restore jump control.'_

He swung through the door to see Soviet and Herr leaning against walls, trying to put on the last parts of the combat suits. Soviet finished up with a pair of Kevlar gloves, whilst Herr put on a black sweatband.

'_10… 9… 8…'_

* * *

Everyone looked up as a giant honeycomb pattern formed in midair about a hundred metres above where Ganon had pointed. The translucent green shapes bulged in the middle, before shattering as a large black object was torn through the fabric of reality. The craft was facing towards them, and was being lowered slowly to ground level. Judging by the vapour clouds coming from the back, the ships engines were at full blast trying to escape the force pinning it down.

Both sides of the battle stood there, waiting for the other to make the first move. Moxis shifted restlessly, analysing the craft for weaknesses. Kotor stood up from his sun-bed, and took position on Moxis's other side, gun cocked just as threateningly.

"Show yourself!" He shouted out to the craft. Melissa hissed at him, and Ganon tilted his head to get a better view of the craft. He jumped as something like an intercom boomed from the ships nose.

"HAND OVER C3POPIKACHU." It demanded. Kotor huffed.

"Get bent!" He shouted back, levelling his laser again.

"THEN WE SHALL TAKE HIM BY FORCE. ENJOY." The speaker called out. As the intercom finished, a small man was teleported out ahead of the craft, and about one-hundred metres away from the group. Kotor raised an eyebrow.

"That's force?"

"TROUSERS DOWN PICKLES." The voice called. The man lowered his trousers, and everyone tutted, followed by a chorus of sighs of 'Cursed'. Ganon reached down to his belt, and pulled off a pokeball. He threw it in the air, and released a Quagsire. The dull creature blinked at him.

"Delmont. Use Haze on that thing." He ordered. The Quagsire nodded, and blew a stream of mist at the creature. It flustered briefly, and the offending appendage was quickly destroyed. The man collapsed, and a stream of curse words came from the speaker.

"YOU CAN'T DO THAT! YOU CAN'T GET RID OF DREW PICKLE'S DI-"

"In case you haven't noticed, I just did! Now get out here and fight properly." Ganon shouted up, "Otherwise I shall destroy your ship."

* * *

Lateral hesitated. He wasn't sure whether this boy was bluffing or not, but judging by the very fact that he'd been pinned there by that boy proved that he could if he wanted. He turned to look at Soviet and Herr.

"What do you reckon?" He asked them.

"I say take the fight to them. By the looks of it…" Soviet looked through the quartz pane at the front of the ship, "It's just a boy, and about a dozen animals. I could own them on my own. With two and a half." He patted Herr's head hard, pressing him into the floor, "We shouldn't have a problem."

"So we're- WHAT THE HELL?!" Lateral stared at the spaces where the two other members of the Pickles family had been held captive. Now there were just chained manacles hanging from the console. Soviet looked over his shoulder at the predicament.

"So we've lost two blondes. Big deal. Average IQ just soared."

* * *

"Civilians evacuated." One of the Machops said. Ganon nodded, and looked back up to the ship.

"Come out now, or your ship and lives are as good as gone." He shouted up. He glanced down as a patch of air near where Drew Pickles had been to see it shimmering, and three boys stepping out. All three appeared ready for battle, and immediately charged forwards. Ganon sighed.

"I was hoping to get in a clichéd 'last chance' speech in, but… I guess it's a bit too late for that now."

Herr transformed once again into a Sableye, and flew ahead of his comrades immediately as ghostly vapours. His grinning grimace could be seen through the fog.

"We can do this two ways! The hard way or the really hard way! I chose the really hard way!" He shouted ahead. Moxis ran forwards, firing shots through the mist, much to Herr's amusement. The ghost crashed straight into the dog, sending them both sprawling. Moxis got up first, trying to pin the ghost down to get a clear shot of his face, but the ghost was too lithe, clinging onto his arm and onto his back.

"Hey spiky." A voice said from next to Ganon. He turned around, just to get a massive fist to the face from Soviet. He stumbled backwards, only to receive a roundhouse kick to the back of the head from Lateral waiting behind him. He moved away from them, making the combat into a triangle, and they both rounded on him again.

"Oh come on. There's no way this is fair."

"Shut up and fight like a man." Soviet said, delivering another bone-crushing punch to the face. Ganon's jaw held… barely. Lateral smirked, and spun up onto his toes. He pointed his other heel at Ganon's face, and swept forwards. If his heel had made contact, concussion would have been inevitable. Instead though, something blocked it at the last second, and hurled Lateral backwards to the ground. Soviet looked at Ganon evilly, and tried to punch again, only to find something electrocute his hand as it approached. He withdrew his fist hurriedly, and looked for the source of the attack.

* * *

Moxis and the Sableye were still grappling, the Machops and Kotor cheering him on. Moxis had already thrown his gun aside, and was fighting bare knuckled with the creature. Herr was more content with biting him. The Lucario yelped as Herr clamped down on his left bicep, scratching at the flesh with razor talons. He swung his fist around, and clobbered the ghost in the face, throwing it across the grass. It leapt up again immediately, and returned to the fierce fray. Both of them were battered and bruised, although Moxis seemed to bear the more severe wounds. A claw had already managed to cut through the skin on his left arm, and it was bleeding heavily. He growled as the Sableye opened another wound across his face. The ghost grinned broadly, becoming solid.

"Maybe you had better quit. Your fighting style is really sh-"

Moxis drilled his claw straight into the Sableye's face, ripping out a large chunk as the distorted metal caught. The ghost screamed as Moxis drove his fist into his face repeatedly, and in a matter of seconds, Herr's head had been reduced to little more than a bloody pulp. He wiped away a trickle of blood from the edge of his mouth with his forearm, panting in exhaustion.

* * *

A piercing whistle began sounding through the air above them, disabling all the combatants. Even Ganon had to clutch his hand over his ears as the pitch intensified. One of the Machops suddenly glanced up, and waved his arms frantically pointing up at the sky. They looked up at where the Pokemon was pointing, and gasped. A huge black meteor was hurling down towards the battlefield.

The meteor crashed to the ground straight through the back of the Barney-craft. The entire ship buckled under the massive impact, metal warped by the intense heat. As the object burnt through the engines, the back end of the ship exploded, jabbing shrapnel into the ground like a maze of convoluted metal. A disembodied voice called through the chaos.

"If anyone's going to tan his hide, it's going to be me." Called the voice; one remarkably similar to Ganon's. The sheets holding the rest of the ship together buckled further from inside, and a vein on Soviets forehead bulged. He lunged for Ganon again for destroying the ship, and again, the fist was electrocuted. The buckled hull plate tore open, admitting another fighter into the fray. A boy bearing remarkable similarity to Ganon, except with black hair. He strode over towards the paralysed combatants, shoving Ganon aside as he walked past him. He punched the muscle-bound Soviet-Barney in the face.

"You got that? This isn't kid's stuff. You're playing with the big boys now." He said. Soviet growled, and lunged for the newcomer, only to be sidestepped and tripped over by his momentum. The boy snickered.

"You hopeless excuse for a human." He said, pulling the grounded boy back up to his feet by his collar. Soviet's puce colouration deepened, and he swung his fist straight into the boys face. He dodged it, and Soviet continued trying to lay punches on him as he backed away slowly. The boy called over the Barney's shoulder to Ganon.

"I've got this slab. You can take down the runt." He called. Ganon just blinked, whilst the boy continually avoided getting pummelled. He looked back to where Lateral should have been, but only found empty space.

"Where did-"

His question was answered immediately as a green laser shot out of the ship's nose-cone onto the battlefield. The beam hit Melissa, hurling her back into the side of the PokeCentre. The Machops rushed back over to help, whilst Kotor took one last look at Ganon.

"I'm going to put up a light-screen. We can't risk damage to the centre." He said, turning, "And by the way. Don't forget to thank X. He just saved you an ass-whupping." He finished, dashing off after the blue midgets. Ganon nodded, and ran up next to Moxis, still stood by the mangled body of Herr. Ganon whistled.

"Pretty gruesome." He said. Moxis humph-ed, and held up one of his claws.

"I guess this was a pretty useful accident then." He said. Rather than the usual straight point other Lucario's had, he had distorted spikes which resembled screw threads. Ganon nodded absently, before they both ran towards the ruined ship.

* * *

Soviet and X were still fighting, gradually moving towards the Dowsing Machine. X ducked under another punch aimed for his head, and fell for the feint as Soviet punched him in the gut with his other hand. Winded, X slumped against the machine, rolling aside to avoid another crushing blow. He looked at the dent in the metal as Soviet withdrew his arm, and gulped. Soviet scowled down at his helpless opponent, and X aimed a kick right between his legs. The attack hit, and Soviet knelt down, moaning in agony.

"MY BALLS! OH GOD MY BALLS!" He shouted out in pain. X sweatdropped, and clambered up again. As he leapt up, he dashed behind Soviet, and stamped a foot down on his back, pressing him against the floor. Soviet, still disabled by the attack on his genitals, was now helpless as black light engulfed X. His humanoid appearance gave way to his Darikos self; a demonic black and red Latios rather than blue and white, and he grabbed the Barney under the arms in his claws. Soviet kicked and screamed as he was lifted into the air. X looked down at the Dowsing Machine below, taking careful aim at the orbital bowl. Soviet glanced down, and whimpered.

"Oh come on! What did I do to you?" He asked. X snorted.

"Tried to put a dent in my face, tried to kill the guy I want to kill, and tried to corrupt the only world I have access to." He answered, before dropping the boy. Soviet screamed as the razor sharp edges came up to meet him, and with a loud grinding noise, he was ripped to ribbons, gore spraying over the machine.

* * *

Lateral was still firing at the field, vainly trying to demolish the Pokemon centre.

'_L-l-l-life-forms detected.'_ The broken computer said from what was left of its speaker. Lateral pulled away from the controls immediately, and jumped over the console, knowing it was too time-consuming in these situations to check it himself. He felt a hot wind blow over him as the panel he'd been at less than a second ago exploded in a fireball. He looked around the edge, shielding his face from the soot cloud, to see the dog with the handgun stood there, looking around for where he'd gone. He slowly pulled open a case welded to the underside of his console, and pulled out a pistol with a silencer on it. He aimed directly at the dog's forehead and fired, smirking to himself as the Lucario fell to the floor motionless.

Ganon spun around as he heard Moxis fall behind him, and ducked behind another console as a second shot hit his ear. Lateral crawled away from the arena, hoping to get to a cupboard where significantly more powerful weapons were stored. Through the crackling of flames and torrents of smoke rising through the floor, he could just make out the label of the heavy ordinance locker. He moved towards it swiftly.

Ganon looked at Moxis's still form on the floor, and swore to himself. He pulled out the Pokeball from his belt, and returned him, before returning his attention to the wily opponent. He listened carefully, and through the noises of the ship, he could hear rhythmic clanging from the opposite side of the cockpit. He tried to make his way over there, cursing loudly as a section of the roof collapse between them, more shrapnel filling the room.

Lateral only needed a second to choose his weapon, one that he'd never been allowed to use before. A rocket launcher. He hefted the weapon onto his shoulder, kneeling down to avoid any attack from Ganon.

"Just die you pest!" He shouted as he took aim. Ganon glanced up from the pile of shrapnel, and Lateral fired. He ducked, causing the first rocket to go careering into the side of the cockpit, blowing out another side of the room. Lateral growled, and tried to reload. Ganon looked down at the pile of shrapnel, and picked up a few small pieces. They cut his hand, but a rocket to his face would probably do a lot more damage. He ran up in front of Lateral, who was in the process of firing another round, and wedged the pieces into the barrel, blocking it. The last Barney winced as the rocket fired, and exploded in the barrel, splitting it open violently. The cloud of soot expanded, coating his face, and he growled, hurling the compromised launcher to the ground. He whipped the pistol back up from its holster, and Ganon winced as the gun fired directly at his forehead.

Now if there was actually a bullet in the gun, it would have helped him out quite a lot. The one he'd hit Moxis with was the last one in the clip. He looked at the useless gun, as Ganon slowly picked up a piece of sharp railing from the pile of shrapnel. Lateral looked at him.

"I really should have reloaded." He said. Ganon nodded, hefting the rail up like a spear.

"Yeah. You should have." He said, thrusting the railing straight through Lateral's throat. It skewered through, and stuck out the other end, becoming embedded in the wall behind. If his windpipe hadn't been split open, he would have been able to scream in agony. Blood flowed from the wound quickly as the jugular was severed, Ganon watching impassively. He tried to reach forwards to grab him, but the arm fell lifelessly to his side as his consciousness slowly slipped away. The last thing he heard as the life left his body was the dull crackling of the fire consuming his ship.

* * *

And that's the lot. Moxis didn't die by the way. As a steel type he sort of... absorbed... the bullet, and just got concussion from the impact. It's freaky. Please leave a review! I didn't spend weeks on this just for it to get passed on by! Also, I need to know if I should make an epilogue.


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